Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize