This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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