Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
