i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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