P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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