New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
