did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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