I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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