I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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