this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
