where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
