your parents love me but you hate me
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
