Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she told me i tasted like america
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
