I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
