He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
