You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
