and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize