There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
