Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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