We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
