The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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