know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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