tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
