My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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