$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
