hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
