she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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