did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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