You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
