literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
