I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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