Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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