Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
