No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
