I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
