her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
