Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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