nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
