so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
