Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
