I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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