My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
