There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
