Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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