I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
