So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
