Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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