Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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