Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
