First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
