Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
