anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
