8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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