and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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