and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
