he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
