she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
