I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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