Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
