Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
