hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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