I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
