he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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