You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
